Dating apps present all sorts of obstacles to the development of organic relationships–much of which can be found in this book. But perhaps the most significant obstacle is age.
Trying to date in your 40s or 50s is easily the most difficult time in life to find someone, and the apps just accentuate it and make it worse.
Dating is relatively simple in your 20s or 30s. At that age, you’re still young in your journey with nearly all of your adult life ahead of you. You’re just moving into true independence and everything is possible. You’re starting to learn from your own experiences and defining the edges of who you are, what you like, and where you’d like to go.
There’s no dating checklist of “must-haves.” Compatibility is still much more based on chemistry than your experiences of what you like or don’t like from a partner. Even if you started dating in high school, you’ve most likely never had a true, significant partner–someone you’ve lived with and seen every single day.
And physically, you’re at your best. Let’s face it, how you look goes a long way in how easy it will be to find someone and how big of a selection you have. There’s a reason we use the word “attractive.” You’re in your physical prime, and it’s all downhill from here.
The price of admission when you’re early in adulthood is pretty straightforward:
What is your name?
Where are you from?
Where’d you go to school?
What was your major?
Do you want to sleep with me?
There’s no such thing as “hook-ups” because at that age, everything is a hookup. Few are deliberately seeking “the one.” You’ll rarely hear an insistent “friends first,” or “no hook-ups,” from women who are dating at that age.
Conversely, dating in your 60s, 70s, or even 80s is a much different game. You’ve been there and done that. One of the most fascinating things about the way we were created is how our mind adjusts along the way. In your 20s, you have so much life ahead of you. In your 50s, you’re starting to transition as you give way to your soon-to-be or adult kids.
But in your 70s and 80s, you become cognizant of time and fear of death seems to leave most people. In your 70s or 80s, you’re expectations are probably most in line with reality and what you’re seeking is different.
While it’s not accurate to say you’re more likely or willing to settle, what you want and need is also different. Companionship becomes one of the most important needs as your friends start passing, your kids are living their lives (and probably not calling enough… ingrates), and isolation and loneliness become all too real.
As a senior, you're either retired or not far from it. You have more free time, and the fulfillment and human interaction that comes from work is nearing the end or gone. You’ll inevitably spend more time at home, and who you’re spending your time with matters so much more.
The expectations of being physically attractive start to wane as our bodies start their decline. And coming in single, you don’t have the advantage of knowing your mate when they were in their 20s or 30s, so what you’re seeing for the first time is all you know… and it’s only going to decline from there as we get all wrinkly and stuff.
The conversation, laughs, celebrations, tears, and subject matter become so much more important, and it’s far more likely to guide who you consider your options. (Which, in some ways, is a shame for those who’ve only been seeking physical beauty up to that point. But heck, God bless those in their 70s who can land a 30-year-old…)
So why is it so much more difficult in your 40s and 50s?
Chances are, at that age, you’re fresh off a fairly long relationship. You’ve had a taste of the good life. You probably had a house. Were financially stable. Had “couple” friends. You developed your routines and habits around the support (or at least presence) of someone else. You learned about what you like from your spouse, and you want those things to last.
But you’re single now. The house is most likely gone. And if you’re still in it, it’s much larger now, and that much more empty. The kids have either gone or are on their way out. The stigma of divorce looms large, and face it: You failed. You failed in your marriage. You failed your kids (if you have any). You failed your family, who had never seen divorce before you. And you failed yourself.
And now you’ve also got the spotlight.
Your friends will naturally (or hopefully) rally around you. They’ll listen as you process. They’ll try to take you out. Some will insist you get right back in it. (How many of the profiles that you see on dating apps were created by their friends?) You aren’t just the focus of their attention. You ARE the story.
While their lives go sleepily and merrily on, you’re a new and shiny thing. Something to fix. Someone to help. When people at parties are seeking topics, your divorce or single life is now one of the menu items. And for some, the attention may feel good for a bit. May even be necessary. But it will get old before long–if not for you, then for them, as they slowly turn to “get your act together and get your life sorted out.”
Meanwhile, you’re probably in the deepest part of your career. Work has never been more intense. Expectations are high, and at this point, you’re probably managing people and have more responsibility than any other time in your career. So you have to manage this major shake up in your life while trying to meet corporate expectations, as well.
As you go about trying to date with all of this going on, things get busy. Your children demand your time. Work demands your time. And sometimes, you just need a minute to yourself.
But that time to yourself gets even more difficult because unlike the traditional and more organic way of meeting people, you’ve now got 10, 20, 50, 100, or even 1,200 “likes” on the dating app that you have to sort through and coordinate. (Yes, I have a friend who showed me 1,200 men who “swiped right” on her in the Bumble app… (Also worth noting women have it harder, in this regard, because men are more indiscriminately “swiping right” than women… I guarantee it.))
With all you’ve lost while life hands you more and more, you’re left with one thing: A checklist.
At this age, you know what you want, because you either just had it and are in mourning or you didn’t have it and now it’s clear what it will look like when you do it right. And you tell yourself you “won’t settle.” Some want to be clear of any relationships for a while while others jump right in.
There’s no right answer to it. But the difference between your 20-year-old self and now is that your starting to show your age, which introduces the element of a ticking clock and you’ve got a long list of things you won’t tolerate that you probably wouldn’t have even thought about in your 20s: If they haven’t “done the work” (whatever that means), must be a world-traveler, no snoring, must have hair, aren’t married (amazing that we have to consider that one), like the beach, must enjoy concerts, works out, etc and ad nauseum.
This is why I invented the Dating Battleship game. We could all save time with our checklists by simply starting the dating process by trying to scare the other away. If you can’t sink their interest in you, heck… you might be onto something.
Dating in your 20s is just as much, if not more, about physical attraction than anything. We generally haven’t finished getting to know ourselves, and now we’ve added someone else to the mix.
Conversely, finding someone in your senior years is so much more about companionship and common interests as your circle of family, friends, and coworkers continues to get smaller and smaller.
But in your 40s and 50s, you’re fresh out of divorce (or the people you’re considering are), and there’s trauma, baggage, fear, regret, mourning, embarrassment, and
So for those in their 40s and 50s, have some grace for one another. There’s a lot going on. Your personal lives still take priority, and the demands can be great. You head into the apps with good intentions, but sometimes it’s just hard to deliver and meet expectations. Give each otehr a break. You’ve got it the toughest in the dating world.