There’s no more difficult time to be trying to find a partner than when you’re middle-aged and coming out of a divorce.
Unlike younger singles, you’ve been there and done that. You’ve experienced a serious, most-likely long-term relationship, and you have an idea of what worked and what didn’t. But even more the case, you’ve most likely got a checklist of what you’re seeking… and what you won’t tolerate again.
This just makes it that much harder to find someone. Gone is the idea of growing together and finding those irritating habits charming. If you’re last partner cleaned obsessively, you’re going to be wary of anyone who does it again–even if they’re perfect in every other way.
Having observed that about most everyone I’ve met and tried to date, I developed a dating game: Dating Battleship.
While the game can be played by any two potential partners of any age, this game probably performs best with middle-aged couples. Here’s how it works:
Similar to the Battleship, the game, where the goal is to sink your opponent's battleships, the goal here is to sink the relationship before it gets started–saving everyone time, and probably money.
In the real game, you call out board coordinates in hopes they match the coordinates on which your opponent has set up their battleships. If you hit a coordinate next to the battleship, your opponent calls out “near miss.” But if you hit on the coordinate, your opponent will call out “direct hit.”
And so it is with Dating Battleship. With your date, you take turns telling them something about yourself that you think is a “non-negotiable” for them. If you’re close, but they’d still want to try out the relationship, they’ll tell you “near miss.”
Perhaps it’s as simple as “I have 50/50 custody of two young kids, and I don’t have a good relationship with my ex.” For some, that might even been a direct hit. But in general, many in the middle-aged dating community are trying to avoid drama, and a bad relationship with an ex could be a source of that.
Anything could be a near miss. Even things like “I don’t drink,” or “I don’t like skiing,” to someone who skis all winter long. But anything could also be a direct hit.
Some people just don’t think they could make it work for someone who doesn’t share their political philosophy. So revealing where you stand politically could be a direct hit. Having a pet or not liking pets could also end a relationship before it starts.
That’s the fun–and the ridiculousness–of the game. It calls attention to things that would be worthy of discussion or ongoing, but known, issues to navigate. But it also should call attention to the idea that one seemingly arbitrary personality trait or life circumstance could end what might otherwise be a strong and life-long relationship.
If nothing else, it’s a conversation starter and helps people really get to know each other. It also makes both parties more comfortable and more willing to reveal some things about themselves they may otherwise be scared to share. If you really feel you like someone, that may just be the start of working through and overcoming potential obstacles.
Who knows, you may go a whole lifetime with someone trying to sink their battleship.