You hear a lot about ghosting in dating app land. The only thing unanimous about it is it is bad, no one likes it, and you shouldn’t do it.
I went along with this thinking for some time, but after talking to my mom about this, my thinking changed a bit.
It was the mid-1950’s when she was dating. There were no dating apps. No internet. And if you wanted to ask someone out, you literally asked them out. In person. To their face. Right there, you were putting it on the line. You were either going to get the rush of a “yes,” or the rejection of a “no.” Live and in person.
And if you were lucky to get a “yes,” you went out on the date and either connected or didn’t. And, of course, humans being human, you didn’t necessarily always share the same conclusion on whether it was a connection or not. And again, humans being human, you didn’t necessarily know you didn’t feel the same connection.
So the date ended, and if at least one of you enjoyed it, you asked again for another date. (Usually the man, back in the day.) And when you asked, you either got a “yes” or a “no.” And if you got “no” for an answer, it wasn’t expected that the person saying “no” would give you a detailed explanation of why it wasn’t a match and why you were never going to go on another date. “No” was good enough.
On the flip side, if you enjoyed the date and were hoping for another, that didn’t necessarily mean you were going to get asked again. (Usually the woman… again, back in the day.) So you went on a date and had a great time. You expected to be asked again, but the invitation never came.
As my mom was telling me this, she emphasized this one last thing. If you didn’t get asked out again, you didn’t get asked out again. You weren’t owed an explanation, and you didn’t expect one. No one was calling the date to say, “it was fun going out with you the other night, but don’t expect another invitation, because it’s not going to happen… and here’s why.” You just didn’t get asked again.
This alone made me rethink ghosting and whether it’s that horrible. Or even if it should be expected.
Unlike most of the dates my mom was talking about, people on dating apps didn’t see each other around on campus, at school, in the neighborhood, at work, or at the club. Usually, you just saw some pictures on the app. There is no connection. No context.
To expect an explanation is unrealistic. Of any random two people, you’re near the top of the list of people who don’t owe each other anything. But there’s an even more compelling rationale for ghosting, and it’s human expectations.
Of all the things that people are generally bad at, confrontation and doing anything that may make another feel bad is chief among them.
People don’t like confrontation. They’re not comfortable with it. It’s scary for some and causes anxiety when you’re not sure how it’s going to go. And the kind of confrontation people fear most is when you believe you’re going to deliver some information that is going to result in anger, pain, disappointment, or sadness.
No one wants to make others feel bad. (Except for maybe sociopaths or psychopaths.) We’re not wired that way. And many, if not most, when faced with delivering potential bad news that could hurt another’s feelings, will simply not deliver the news at all.
They’ll delay. Pause. Obfuscate. Disappear. Suddenly find themselves very busy and unavailable. Anything to get out of delivering the bad news. You figure if you wait long enough, maybe they’ll forget or it'll just go away.
Dating is tough business. It’s tough on everyone. It’s an amazing and constant source of frustration… until it isn’t. But too often, single people lack empathy or the perspective necessary to understand that the dating pool is all in this together, and perhaps grace is required.
If you get ghosted, don’t just rush to judgment and decide it was malicious, careless, or heartless. In fact, it could be quite the opposite. The person doing the ghosting could be absolutely wrestling with the fact that they know you’re not the one, there’s an expectation to be kind and not ghost, and they have no idea how to tell you, without hurting your feelings, that you’re too this, that, or the other, and there’s no connection.
In the fall of 2024, I matched with a woman, and we went on a few dates–dinner, a hike, etc. And we had a few calls and text exchanges. Until we didn’t. I sent her a text, and she never responded. Message received. She was uninterested, and I moved on.
But she didn’t.
The first text I received on January 1, 2025… New Year’s Day, was from her. She wrote:
“Hi, Jon
Remember me!! I just quickly wanted to apologize for never replying back to you. I realized I was not interested in seeing you anymore and I forgot to get back to you because I got very busy.
But no one deserves to be ghosted.
Wishing best luck dating and a great happy year!!”
What a way to start off the new year. The first text I get is a “just in case you weren’t rejected enough, let me formalize the rejection to kick off the new year and make sure you know you were rejected by me” message.
Of course, that’s not what she meant. And I appreciated that she wanted to close the loop. But it wasn’t necessary. There was no harm done. I didn’t think any less of her for not responding. I just moved on with life, as I think we all do.
Just last week, I connected with a woman on Bumble, and we got on well enough to move to phone texting. We started making plans to get together, and she suggested we meet at a park to walk her dogs. I don’t have a dog, so she offered one of hers. Turns out she had three. Three small dogs.
I’ve long thought only a psychopath would want a small dog. Who listens to the constant, high-pitched “yap” of a small dog and thinks to themselves, “That sound! I love that sound! I want that sound in my home. All. Day. Long.” Only a psychopath, as far as I could tell.
Once she sent me pictures of the three tiny dogs, I thought for awhile and decided it could never work with her because I don’t really want anything to do with one dog, much less three. And worse: three small ones.
So after some consideration, and not wanting to be “ghoster,” I decided to write her back and just be honest.
“I’m feeling pretty positive about your profile and our chat, but I think the three small dogs is a nonstarter for me. One would be a stretch. I apologize, but that’s not something I’m seeking. But I’m confident someone amazing will appear.”
Not bad, as far as honesty and not ghosting go, right? (I mean, not amazing, but not horrible, either.)
Her response? “I can understand why you’re single.”
And that’s what I got for not ghosting her. Sometimes you just can’t win.
When (not if) you get ghosted, why not have some grace and choose to understand that it’s very difficult for many. You may have iron guts and no problems telling someone that, ostensibly, they suck. But many don’t. Since you’re likely not going to hear from this person anymore anyway, why not pray for them, silently wish them luck (or whatever it is for you), and move on back to the search.
Grace, in general, is in short supply, and the world of dating apps has no shortage of opportunities to show grace to one another. Try being a trendsetter, and give people the benefit of the doubt. We’re all broken, and we could all use it.