Hate the apps? Start using them as intended (The case for dating apps)

If you’ve seen a lot of dating app profiles, one theme comes through loud and clear: No one likes the apps and wants to get off of them as soon as possible.

Certainly, this is born of more frustration than just the apps themselves. Being single, having to go through the meeting and courting process, spending a lot of time on conversations and dates that go nowhere. There’s a fair amount to frustrate even the most patient among us.

But here we are. If you’re single and don’t want to be, either love will find you sitting at the malt shop sipping a coke and waiting to be discovered, or you’re in bars and/or on dating apps. And for those trying to find some hope in the apps, I’m here to help.

The apps aren’t all bad. I mean, if you’re a purist and expect to meet someone at work, through friends, or at the grocery stores, those channels are still in working order. But apps do a few things that even those methods don’t.

Apps single out single people. 

When I walk into a room full of adults, there’s no way to know, beyond wedding rings (which not everyone wears), who is single, available, and seeking, and who is not. There’s no signal. There’s no uniform. Just guesswork based on little information.

And if we did see someone single, we’d be motivated primarily by how they look, how they move, how they interact with the people around them, and if we’re attracted to any or all of that. 

The apps only serve us people who are single and actively seeking. And while we can’t see these people in action with others (unless they have pictures with their friends, which is still limited), we can see if we’re generally attracted to them. And, the apps give us a head start by answering some of the basic logistical questions like if they have kids, if they were married, where they live, age, and whatever impression they want to make with the character limitations they’re given.

The apps save us time and give us somewhat of a head start on finding someone. But where they fall down is that most of us are not using them correctly. We’re trying to text our way to a relationship or make the mistake of thinking because you wrote three short profile blurbs, we should know anything about you. We don’t. And everyone is different, so you can’t assume we know what you’re thinking.

If you want to get the most out of dating apps, get off them as quickly as possible.

It’s no secret physical attraction is the first hurdle. Whether we see someone live or just in pictures, we know pretty quickly whether or not we can picture ourselves with them. 

So you’ve swiped right or matched with someone in whatever way the apps construct. The connection is made, and you’re both past the first hurdle: We’re at least theoretically attracted to each other. What next?

Meet. As soon as possible. 

You can’t text your way to a relationship. You can’t get to know someone you’ve never met through the written word. There’s too many missing cues and variables. No tone. No gestures. No facial expressions. Some people write well, but even if they write well, sense of humor is notoriously misinterpreted when you don’t know anything about the person doing the writing. 

Some don’t write well at all but express themselves very well in conversation. Some write well but hate texting. Others love texting and write poorly. So many variables.

So if you match, get through the texting introductions and pleasantries as fast as possible and then meet. It’s the only way you’re going to know. 

Every time you match with someone and unmatch before meeting them, you’re making an uninformed decision. No matter what they wrote that didn’t resonate with you, it was written with no lens into who they are and no context into what they may have meant or what inspired what they wrote.

Just meet. If you’re in this to find someone, then you’re going to have to make some effort. And that means going in knowing it may be a half hour or hour of your time you won’t get back. That’s the cost of the pursuit.

Dating apps make it easy and fairly quick to find prospects, and then it’s up to use to do our own research by meeting someone to find out what’s there. 

If you’re frustrated by dating apps, take a look at how you’re using them and what your expectations are for them. If you think you can meet someone or learn anything about them through a conversation within the app - or even by texting outside of it - it’s simply not possible.