Dating apps, by their very functionality, encourage the written word. Profiles consist of whatever the owner wants to write. Whether it’s a bio or answering one of the cliched prompts (sure, they’re silly… but you’ve gotta start somewhere, I guess), a profile is essentially five pictures, your vital statistics (height, age, have kids, smoker, drinker, etc), and whatever you choose to write about yourself - with character limitations.
And if you match, then communication starts in text. Sometimes it’s just a swipe that leads to a match. Sometimes you get to write a “compliment” or comment that kicks off conversation.
I imagine most people try to come up with something creative or unusual to write to stand out from other suitors. But just as often, you get a simple “Hi,” or “How are you?” (Though as common as that kind of conversation starter is in our culture, there are still people who, in their profiles, pre-chastise by writing something like, “Please have something more interesting to say than “How are you. I am fine.” Definitely puts the pressure on, unless you decide you’d not want to spend any time with someone who would write that in the first place.)
Whether creative or bland, the text exchanges start in the app and can go in all sorts of directions. Sometimes someone starts by saying “Hi,” and it’s your turn to respond. What you don’t know is that often your response is a test, and the only way to pass is to guess right in this game of “Guess what I’m thinking.”
Say the wrong thing and the conversation might end right there. They may unmatch. Or worse, they may just leave you in dating app limbo where they never respond, but they also never unmatch. Their name just slowly sinks to the bottom of your connection list where it will forever sit as you wonder if they met someone, didn’t like what you wrote, decided to leave the app, or were seriously injured and can’t use their phone.
(Sometimes I wonder how many amazing couplings have never happened because someone unmatched with me because I said “green” when they asked me my favorite color. Somehow, that told them all they needed to know about me.)
This is the single greatest problem dating apps have. The simple truth is you cannot text your way to a relationship with someone you’ve never met.
Look at the classic, pre-app way most people in healthy relationships met. You either met at work, at church, within an organization, a friend introduced you, at a bar, a blind date set up for you by mutual friends, or those random chance encounters where you just struck up a conversation and went from there.
Sure, perhaps there’s an example of two pen pals who randomly just started writing to each other with no context, but that exception simply proves the rule.
In the classic way, you were able to observe the other - often in their natural environment. At work, you can see how they treat others, how they conduct their business, and even whether or not they’re good at their job. At church, you immediately know they share your faith. Mutual friend introduction comes with the tacit testimonial and blessing of the trusted friend.
Even chance encounters often allow you to observe each other before you start the conversation: How they treat the wait staff, what they do when they’re standing there alone, how they interact with friends…
The context clues are all important for setting some level of trust and safety before you get started. You don’t get that with texting someone you don’t know.
When you meet someone by chance, you get gestures, body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, scent, visual cues, focus, laughter, timely response, more context, interruptions, tangents, and surprise conversational directions. You get movement. They’re not just attractive (or at least semi-attractive) pictures on your phone. These are all critical human elements to building relationships. (Didn’t we learn anything from masking grade school children for two years during COVID?)
But when you’re texting with someone you’ve never met, you don’t get any of that.
You write something to someone you don’t know. You have no idea how they’re going to react. And you usually don’t get any immediate reaction. They receive your message later, when they’re in the middle of something else. When you get a response, it’s often not a complete or thorough response because texting is a pain in the ass and most people don’t want to spend that much time detailing all of their thoughts.
Stories don’t get told because they’re too long. You don’t know any of the players. It takes too long to set it up. You have to over explain everything.
Jokes don’t get made because you’re afraid of not only how it will be received, but also if they’ll even detect you’re joking.
Tangents will get missed because, in normal verbal conversations, thoughts and ideas will inspire other thoughts and ideas - in real time. But when a text exchange is happening, you have to keep going back two or three texts. Some people reply specifically to a text while others just respond in line.
And if you’re texting with someone you’ve never met who’s first language isn’t your first language, you’ve not got language barriers to overcome, as well.
When I match with women, I usually ask fairly quickly if they’d like to meet somewhere in public for a dinner/lunch or a walk. In my experience, a majority of women want to text you on the app and write something like “let’s get to know each other by texting here first.”
I completely understand the sentiment. Safety is a real consideration, and many women aren’t comfortable sharing their phone number for texting or meeting in person before they text. The unknown presents an opportunity for fear, and knowing there are plenty of scammers and bad actors on apps doesn’t help. (The minority of men who behave like jackasses aren’t really helping, either. But that’s another chapter.)
But if you text through the app and determine a public place to meet, you don’t have to exchange phone numbers or any personal information, and you can meet and see what kind of potential there may be. You could even do it again, through the app, if you weren’t sure and wanted another date.
On a personal level, I’m at quite a disadvantage when it comes to texting because I can’t stand it. I physically don’t like the act of texting, and I think it’s a horrible channel for communicating any thoughts beyond simple logistics (“When will you be home?” “4pm.” “OK.”) When you’re trying to convey deeper thoughts or tell a story, you just can’t do it justice in a text unless it’s a small novel. And then it loses itself in the telling.
When you meet someone, it seems like you’re expected to text them daily. I don’t text my friends or family daily. I text when I think about something that I want to share. Or some logistics. I also don’t always respond right away. When I’m with people or at work, I don’t look at my phone, and if I do, I don’t respond to texts while I’m with others.
Sometimes, I’ve just got other things I’m thinking about. Or sometimes, I want to consider my answer before responding. In short, I’d rather just pick up the phone. But sometimes, if you just call someone from a dating app in response to a text, they’re taken aback and not always happy about it.
The simple fact is, if you’re serious about meeting someone on a dating app, you should meet as soon as possible because it’s the only way you’ll truly be able to assess whether there’s potential for a relationship. And isn’t that what we’re all seeking?