If it doesn’t result in a relationship of some sort, people leave dating app matches in many frustrating, infuriating, confusing, or just mystifying ways.
You can get ghosted, where the conversation, whether in-app or having moved to text, just kind of ends. You write, and there’s no response. Or you go on a date and never hear from the other again.
The stand up is worse simply because you put some physical effort into getting somewhere only to slowly get the feeling your date is not showing. It’s even more frustrating if you don’t get any response from them, because then they actively did something rude or mean to you, and you don’t get to share your thoughts with them.
But the one that confounds me the most is dating app purgatory.
Dating app purgatory is when you match with someone, there’s at least one in-app text exchange, and then… nothing. There may be a fairly lengthy conversation. There may just be the initial exchange of pleasantries. But it always ends with you having written the last message in the thread.
Perhaps you ask a question, and you’re met with silence. They may ask you a question and you answer it. Or, you might get the “Hi, Jon.” message, which you follow with “Hi, Marci.” And then nothing. Your left to wonder, “Was it the way I said “Hi?””
Every day, or however frequently you visit the apps, you go to look at your list of potentials (people with whom you’ve matched that are still in your list). And every day, they’re still there. You were last to leave a message, so it’s not “your turn.”
And it goes on. The days become weeks, and if you’re on there long enough, the weeks become months. You finally write another message. Depending on how friendly you’re feeling, or how irritated, and depending on how much their profile intrigues you, you write them a note that’s either a friendly nudge or a castigation… or something in between. Because, who knows? You have no idea who you’re writing to or why they’re not responding.
Did they find someone?
Are they off the apps?
Do they kinda like you but are exhausting “better” options before coming back to you?
Are they just scamming, and they don’t care?
If they don’t respond, you’ll never know, and depending on how you’re wired, that can be very maddening.
People on dating apps are a community, whether they like it or not. And like a community, there are some you like and some you don’t. Sometimes you don’t want to be there, and other times you don’t want the others there.
But this is one more area where some grace, courtesy, and thoughtfulness can go a long way. If you’re getting off the app, clean out your message list and unmatch with everyone. Or if you’ve committed to someone or decided to date exclusively, unmatch with the others.
Another alternative is to just message everyone with a blanket, cut and pasted message saying some version of, “I’m glad we matched, but I decided to take a break from the app. So if you don’t hear from me, don’t read anything into it. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, so if you’re comfortable staying matched, perhaps we’ll talk again. But if not, I understand, and I wish you the best. Just don’t want you sitting here wondering what I’m thinking.”
As usual, a little communication will go a long way.
In lieu of that, I think there’s a feature upgrade opportunity here for the app designers. Just put an expiration on dead conversations and make it clear to everyone on the apps that if you don’t respond to someone after x amount of time, their profile will automatically be unmatched from yours.
That way, no one is left hanging, and everyone gets a gentle nudge to try and stay active or proactively unmatch.